The Holiday Glory Hog

Happy Halloween! Tonight's the night we've been waiting for all month. Costumed children will toddle door to door as eager home owners await the spectacle, teens will ghost hunt and vandalize abandon houses to possibly coax the spirits of the dead, and women from 18-25 will get about as scantily clad as legally possible as pirates, sex kittens, and other various things I enjoy looking at. I'm personally going to break my gay bar virginity as the fluffy, foul-mouthed Wilfred. Everyone has a different way to celebrate, and that's the beauty of the holiday season.

Still, this post is not about Halloween rather than a somewhat annoying trend I've noticed, one that's become more prominent with each year. See, I like to think that most holidays are created equal. Granted labor, memorial, and presidents day would likely prove rather boring individuals should they be personified into human form, but, at the very least I like to think the big three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas) reign with an equal share of the throne. In a perfect world, that may be so, but it just so happens we live in a world where "perfect" is dictated by how many iPhones, PS3s, and cheesy Hallmark cards can be sold. I'll get to the point: the other night at work, I looked up to see a commercial with a man in a big city cloaked in snow, a large, glowing Christmas tree in the background.

Earlier and earlier every year

Have you no shame, Christmas? Can you not wait your turn? I honestly hadn't given the holiday much thought until that awkward instance, and I really wish it could've stayed that way. I personally don't like to think much about Santa, presents, or bright lights until I've finished my final round of Thanksgiving turkey. Yet, here I am, at the base of a steep slope, an avalanche of candy canes and mistletoe about to smother me for the next sixth of the year.

Now don't get me wrong, I adore Christmas. It's probably my favorite holiday of them all. I love the cozy glow of an adorned living room tree, I'm thrilled at the mystery of wrapped parcels resting at the base, and I get a little too giddy over a cheesy holiday sweater party (at which I'll drink as much alcoholic eggnog as my stomach will allow). Now the root of this irritating evil is corporate greed and capitalism, but I even love that aspect of it. Spending a lot of money, getting a lot of pricey gifts, the latest overpriced products at every advertised turn. Call me greedy, I just like to think of it as a part of our consumerist American heritage.

It's just a damn shame to the other two, who, as far as I can tell, seem to be pretty nice guys. I mean, let's look at them in a different light shall we? Let us now imagine our beloved trilogy of holidays as ecstatic little round faced children performing at the school talent show. We've got Hal(oween), (T)Hank(sgiving), and the dreaded Chris(tmas), each performing in different ways. Follow my dialogue here.

Think this. Except instead of sexy women they're lovable children. 

Act One: Hal the whimsical trickster. This mischievous child has a twinkle in his eye and festive fall attire. What's his gimmick? Magic tricks! But not just magic tricks, spooky magic tricks. His act will leave us wondering if all the spine-chilling tales we heard at childhood bedtime  could possibly be true. He begins, spinning his hands too and fro, juggling objects, and objects seemingly vanishing in thin air at his antics. But all of the sudden....who's that on the stage? That tall blonde boy in the red and green sweater? Wait a minute, this kid's walking out on center stage attempting to do some tricks of his own! What are you doing, mystery boy of arrogance?? What are these pine needles and wisps of snow falling from above?? Get him off stage! Oh god......okay....okay, he's gone. But poor Hal seems flustered. His final act was ruined.

Act Two: Here's Hank, the good child. He's all about family and hearty values, earth tones and sharing. His act is simple but wholesome: A set of songs, each as catchy as they are heart-warming. I can't wait to hear this one. Woah, what a voice! This act is warming my soul, it's hearty and true! Listen to the voice as it.....wait a second, who else is singing? Is this a duet?? Wait a second....oh dammit. There's that douchey kid again. He's singing too. Wait...it's not even the same song! And....hey, kid get out of the way, Hal's trying to sing here! Stop screaming over him! Get off stage, go away! Just wait your turn, little asshole! Wait Hank is shuffling off stage, his head is hanging in shame. You prick! You ruined his act completely. Oh god....this is so wrong!

Act Three: So this kid hasn't even left stage and apparently has no shame. Look at him, beaming that shit-eating little smirk. Chris is his name. I know that because he's just bleating a ballad about his own name. Now dancers appear, some with antlers and others in North Pole attire. Ribbons are falling, there's confetti! Wait...what? There's a laser show! What??? We all have iPads under our seats? Well...this is actually kinda badass but....hold on, there's a full symphony playing! That bastard! I mean...this is so magical but....how much money does this kid's parent make? Who paid for this?? Okay....alright, actuallyt his was badass but.....but still, what about those other two kids. They were pretty good too right? Yeah....oh...oh well. Hell yeah, Chris! Damn good job! I love you!

Make sense now? Christmas is great, but seriously a egomaniac and a douche. I love the guy, I really do, he just sorta needs to chill out a bit. So I'm going to celebrate with my Halloween festivities tonight, and the next few weeks will be me looking forward to the friends and family coming together to count our blessings over a Thanksgiving. Christmas will get it's dues, that's for damn sure....I just wish he'd wait his turn.