1. This entry is about a dream. I've come to discover that I dream a lot more than the average sleepy bear, and often my sleep time adventures are long and elaborate.
2. I really hate the Twilight...um...saga. Not just in the typical "I'm a guy and Twilight is stupid" kind of way, but a "I've read these poorly written novels, and don't enjoy the laughably sappy, male-dominant, anti-climactic content" kind of way. Any such portrayals of me as a fan of the story, actors, or any aspect of Twilight is strictly limited to dream Taylor.
3. My name is Robert Taylor Wilson. That's Robert as in Raymond's depressed half-giant of a brother, Taylor as in the glorious child star Jonathan Thomas' middle name, and Wilson as in the screams of the distraught Tom Hanks as his beloved volleyball floated out to sea. Remember this well.
Now that you know these things, I think we're ready to begin this tale. It's not often that I realize a life truth through my dreams, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My subconscious has a rich mythology, both beautiful and terrifying. I've been attacked by brightly colored gorillas, flirted with drool-inducing superstars, even found myself stalked by a sentient great white shark two dream levels deep. It's a real gamble just falling asleep at night, honestly. Still, sometimes they're interesting enough to warrant a re-telling. This particular dream found me at premiere of Twilight's New Moon, one that took place at the Knoxville Regal Pinnacle a few years ago. Oddly enough, I was crowded around the red carpet with hundreds of pre-teen girls, all of us screaming at the top of our lungs in excitement. What was the object of our affection? Why, the ever monotonous Taylor Lautner!
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| Lautner smiling at the knowledge that the Twilight nightmare is finally over |
Amidst the ear-piercing shrieks and constant moans of worship and adoration, somehow my desperate pleas stood out to young master Lautner's wolfish ears. "Taylor! Hey man! Can you let me on the red carpet?! Please bro??" Lautner simply beamed at me, waving me away, and snickering as he said "No! You aren't allowed on the red carpet!" Turning away from me, all hope seemed lost for me. How would I, this token heterosexual Twilight diehard (or twi-hard as we like to be called) ever make contact with my heroes? In desperation, I threw out my last-ditch effort, the one ace up my sleeve. "Taylor! You don't get it, man! My name is Taylor too!" Lautner stopped dead in his tracks, slowly turning, eyes wide in wonder. "Are you....are you serious?" I nodded with glee. At this, my fellow Taylor let loose a barkish laugh. "Well why didn't you just say so??" At this, he grabbed my hand and helped me hop over the barrier, and I joined him as we grinned and posed our way all the way to the entrance.
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| A theater of the gods. There is truly no greater castle. |
Once Inside I found myself quite alone. The hundreds of other fans were left outside to shriek at their hearts content, and most of the other stars went inside the actual theater to enjoy the cinematic masterpiece that is New Moon. For such a huge fan, I guess it was odd that I abstained from joining in the lunar festivities, although considering it was a dream, I'm just thankful that all of my limbs were in tow and gravity stayed in place. Walking about the enormous lobby, admiring the many posters and cardboard stand-ups, I soon realized that I wasn't alone. A soft cough signaled that there was another, a dark figure brooding in the corner. Slowly moving closer, I saw the figure of a man, masked in a cloud of cigarette smoke. Taking a long drag of his cigarette, looking at me with the utmost apathy, I saw that I was in the presence of none other than the hyper-dominant vampire himself, Robert Pattinson.
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| This is a fairly accurate level of the douche level from the dream |
Suddenly excited once more, I exploded into a starstruck frenzy over the pale bed head. Showering him in praise, my declarations that he was one of the greatest actors of our generation. Pattinson mostly ignored these outbursts, replying with short, monotone "mhmms" and "yups". I was quick to request a picture and autograph from the guy, to which he responded with a simple piercing "hmm....nope." Heartbroken at this, I pleaded with the lead Cullen, adamantly declaring I was his biggest fan. Turning his douchebag back on me, Pattinson reaffirmed with a "Yeah, I said no. So leave me alone." As he began to creep deeper in the shadows, I used the last bullet in my chamber. "Wait! Please, you don't get it. My name is Robert too." At this he froze, looking back over his shoulder, an incredulous smile spreading over his face. "You? Your name is Robert too?" I beamed, giving him a thumbs up. At this he burst into joyful laughter, and jogged over for a hug. "Well why didn't you just say so man?!"
I then awoke, the lesson of this parable now taking deep root in my heart and soul. It was sinking in, I shared a first name with two of the headliners of the Twilight saga. I guess there's actually nothing useful about knowing that fact at all. Still, I'll definitely use it as ammunition should this sort of a situation ever arise.
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