The Myspace Dynasty

I have to admit something to all of you dear readers--I'm a bit of a social network addict. I have about 5 I check multiple times a day, and generally always look into the "next big thing"'s of the social network world even if they turn out to be duds (here's looking at you, Google+). At this point, social networks have become integral parts of our daily lives, and mine is certainly no exception; in fact, it's probably the rule. My earliest days of the social networking realm found a pre-pubescent lad (under the guise of #1GollumFan) chatting away on nerdy book forums, using asterisk action to play out elaborate action scenes. Later, when I began to develop my cringe detection gland, I finally abandoned this notion and "*sailed away into distant seas*". Currently, I bounce between Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, and the obnoxiously addictive Reddit. Still, despite all these, one stands out more than all the rest. You know of what I speak: the bane and boon of our high school years, the training ground for profile stalking, the home of some of the most cringe-worthy memories imaginable. I'm talking about Myspace.

One of my first Myspace profile pics. A true piece of visual poetry. 

I recently had a strange curiosity to see what had become of my beloved Myspace. After a 10 minute frustration of trying an odd assortment of username/password combinations, I found myself looking at a familiar sight. Allow me to walk you through this extremely strange experience, friends. Imagine walking into your old high school gymnasium, the door creaking open to darkness. You flip a light switch only to find the dim and flickering lights do a poor job of illuminating the scene. Walking about, you notice many tables adorned with "Class of '09" signs, empty cups, and bits of confetti. This was once the site of a great social gathering, one you remember more and more as you continue your journey into nostalgia. A smile forcefully creeps up your face as you see the faded, dusty pictures hanging on the walls. Then you realize that this place has long been abandoned, and a deep loneliness fills your very core. You abruptly leave, slamming the door behind you, swearing to yourself that you'll never return. That's Myspace now.

So what's my point in writing about it? I mean, it's long gone now, right? Going back to the newly designed website proves a bit of a headache, and for must of us.....we just can't go back to myspace. It's like when Jack and the gang left the island on Lost, except they all finished puberty and never went back because the island was full of emo singers, straightened hair, and boys wearing girl jeans. Still, if we try to put ourselves back in the shoes of our 14 year old selves, we can think of a few reasons why myspace was pretty amazing. It was the original social network for our generation. While not very appealing to adults, it was a paradise for us pre-teen drama addicts. While we've undoubtedly entered the aforementioned "adult" category, there were a few aspects of Myspace that I still remember fondly. Allow me a few bullets to explain.

Good God. These were orgasmic. 

• Bulletins: Maybe this mostly appeals to the raging narcissist in me (which all writers are to some degree), but I loved the hell out of bulletins. It was essentially a way to shout at the top of your lungs for all the world to hear. I especially enjoyed the surveys. They often pushed the limits with their deliciously dark inquiries like "What color is your underwear?" or "Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?" Often people would simply reply with a "yes" or a "no," but I always answered as outlandishly as possible. At the time, I thought this made me unique, hilarious, and "random", and would gleefully sit back and revel in the thought of how individual and amazing I was.
• Coding: Believe it or not, Myspace taught me a decent amount about coding. Okay, not decent, but I learned how to post and resize photos, how to bold and underline text, how to change background colors, all through HTML. Does this do me any good in the least bit as far as a future career or even menial hobbies? Not at all. Still, did it feel like I'd just cracked some sort of impossible code after I finally saw my full profile come together? Absolutely. It was a tedious task, but I put a lot of time into it. I had to make sure every little piece was just right. Why? That brings me to my next and final point. 
• Profiles: We've all seen the horrors of myspace profiles: a neon hot pink background, an abundance of glittery, shining text, even stars that would constantly rain down the screen. Many cited this as the main reason they ended up hating Myspace, but this was the main reason I adored it. I made my profile with class. I found a catchy, yet nonabrasive background color. I found the most vivid Flickr images of kittens, oceans, or castles to start off my poetically quirky "About Me." I even made a scroll box with photos and personal messages about all of my friends and aquaintances. People would even approach me at school and request I feature them as well. I spent hours on end putting them together. Oh, and I was sure to find the most obscure and unknown pop-punk bands I could find. After all, in early high school, if you find a band before everyone else then it's your band (Mayday Parade is still mine!) 

On his tombstone they'll write "You failed, Tom." 

While myspace is dead and gone to most all of us 20-somethings, perhaps it will live on for a new generation of early high schoolers. Maybe there will be others that post obscure bulletin posts about how "Preps shouldn't listen to H.I.M." (guilty of this). Perhaps another smug 14 year old will spend hours on his profile to show off his supposed individuality. Hopefully others will still inhabit this former promised land of Top 8's, "owning" pictures of significant others, and "PC4PC" transactions. You were great while you lasted Myspace. To close, I humbly submit some very fitting song lyrics, ones straight out of the Myspace era. 

"One night and one more time

Thanks for the memories

Even though they weren't so great

He tastes like you only sweeter"

*I liked Fall Out Boy BEFORE they were cool.