Four Reasons Why Winter Sucks

I'm not going to sugarcoat it and I'm not going to beat around the bush, I hate Winter. I adore spring, really enjoy summer, and get a kick out of fall, but once October ends, I feel the annual misery start creeping back. Unfortunately for me, we're at the beginning of what I consider to be the worst two months of the year. I've already suffered what feels like an eternity of winter, and we still have a healthy dosage heading our way. This polar vortex seemed almost mocking, an ominous promise that I am destined to writhe in a frigid agony for the next 60-80 days. To those of you who enjoy this weather, let me say this: I am your comic book arch villain. I am the antithesis to everything you stand for when it comes to climate preference. I dream of palm trees and warm breezes, yet I am seemingly stranded in a tundra. While I can't escape, I can search for images of the tropics, reminisce over summer afternoons spent drinking on a porch, and write this blog expressing my utter hatred for all things winter.

1. "You can only take off so much clothing in the summer, but you can always put on more in the winter."
This is often the bumper sticker slogan of an argument I hear from the pro-winter white walkers. At first glance, it makes perfect sense. I'll concede for a moment, there are times where it's so unbearably hot in the summer that you almost feel your skin starts to melt off. Still, that doesn't make the opposing argument any better. Imagine waking up in the middle of January and seeing the temperature is a crisp 15 degrees. You have to suit up like a superhero, a full entire that can include (but is not limited to) the following: A shirt, thermal, jacket, coat, pajama pants/long-johns/tights, pants, gloves, hat, and/or a scarf. Once you get out in the stinging breeze, you quickly make the 20 foot journey to the car. Inside your vehicle, you're greeted by a pleasant heat. All is going well until you realize you're sweating. Oops. Time to shed a layer. Then you arrive to your destination, put the coat back on, and repeat the same process once you arrive to your heated location. Do you follow the pattern? While you can always add more layers, that doesn't make it convenient or even comfortable. I'd rather be able to go about my day in shorts, a t-shirt, and sandals than have to don/shed my winter armor every 20 minutes.

Plus, I have to fight this bastard every single day

2. Everything is dead. DEAD!!!!
I honestly think I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (shortened to a very fitting "S.A.D."). I'm tired 6 hours a day, can't seem to sate my appetite, and feel a general hopelessness to life. Part of this is due to a lack of sun exposure, but I can't help but think it has something to do with my morbid surroundings. In winter, the grass quickly turns a gray-ish yellow, dotted with patches of mud and frost. The tree branches are gnarled, desperate hands reaching to a summer god that has abandoned them. The sky is often a bland gray, a fitting backdrop to this grim stage. As my desperation for the sight of something green worsens, I start to feel almost claustrophobic. I usually prefer to spend my days outside, basking in the glory of nature like the blue people of Avatar. Instead, I'm confined to a dark house, a lone beacon of light in the endless abyss. Sure, snow is pretty when it's freshly fallen, but that's an incredibly rare sight in east Tennessee. Call me crazy, but I'd prefer humidity and mosquitos to the desolation of winter.

3. Holidays are great, but they only go so far. 
We've just ended the holiday season, and I won't pretend I didn't enjoy it. Holidays may seem like an exciting reprieve from this miserable season, but that thought is a folly. Who doesn't love discussing political points made in "The Grinch," opening gifts in the warm glow of Christmas tree lights, or drinking themselves into a nostalgic stupor during the New Year's Eve? Those are all fun, festive ways to celebrate life, but here's the thing: They just sort of stop. That's right, we have Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve.....but then what? The holidays cease and we're left with a solid 2.5 months of dreary weather with no lights or hustle and bustle to keep us distracted. We become shut-ins, forced to stay out of the cold. In another life, we might all be hibernating, but evolution and American Capitalism cheated us out of that luxury. Yes, the national holiday that is my birthday is a late-march beacon of hope, but can we honestly keep our sanity until then? I'm not so sure.

Winter frostbite is the leading cause of beard amputation. 

4. Winter Ain't Cheap. 
I live in an older house, and while I love it's charm, I'm not so enamored by it's lack of insulation. The first heating bill will arrive in a few weeks, and that will only add to the list of things I can't afford to pay. We could pretend that isn't an issue, but there are other problems to deal with. As we speak, a plumber is under my house, loudly talking about how he loves this country as he fixes a busted pipe. Luckily, that payment is my landlord's problem, but that's not the case for all your home owners out there. This mini-"Day After Tomorrow" has proven a blessing for these pipe wizards, but a curse to all of us who neglected to leave our sinks trickling at bedtime. Let's also consider the cost of gas. You get up to start your day and what do you find as you walk out the door? A windshield coated in ice. Better let it warm up for ten minutes so you can drive without feeling like Mr. Magoo. Not only is this pretty damn inconvenient (you'd better hope you aren't running late for work), all these morning warm-ups eventually add up throughout the season. While I'm no math major, I'd estimate it results in an extra hundred grand in gas money. Okay, not really, but winter angst forces me to use hyperbole.

If any of you actually enjoy winter, I'll respect your right to that opinion. I still consider us mortal enemies, but I'll let it slide. You've heard enough of my ranting for one day, so I'll leave it with this. My mother told me of a Christmas she once spent at the beach and how rotten it made her feel. She sat on the beach and cried all day long. When I was younger, I thought to myself ",That sounds horrible! Christmas is meant to be cold!" With each passing year, that thought left my mind more and more. This year, as I struggled to stand outside and make it through a single cigarette, I thought fondly of sunshine and hot sand. Give me a tropical Christmas. Give me a hot New Year. Give me anything but this damn winter.